got some pretty amazing responses from the tweets i wrote this morning. i knew i'd never be able to reply to your questions and comments in 3 lines of a twitter response, so i decided to do it here....
i said: "The best way I can love you is to love me. We give away what we've received--& I need to receive love before I can ever give it away. Good thing there's a God who never runs out of love for us, no matter WHAT we've done. (:"
i got a few people confused about that statement....some thought that if everyone was like that, they'd never give love away. let me explain what i was saying...
for years i hated myself. absolutely hated myself. i knew God loved me...i knew that my parents loved me...i knew that people liked me, but no matter how much my HEAD knew that i was loved, my heart told me otherwise. my heart, which truly, truly believed that i was unlovable from abuse and sexual garbage and an eating disorder....dictated the tone of everything i did. and because i was covered in self hatred, my ability to give love always fell short. i didn't love myself, nor had i allowed myself to REALLY be loved in those ugly, shameful areas, so my strength to give always ran out after a while.
i could love nice people...pretty people...popular people...but i didn't have the patience to love the broken, the annoying, the ones who couldn't give me anything in return. i wasn't a vessel overflowing with love, so i could only give it in doses that made sense to me....or to people who could give me something in return.
when you allow yourself to TRULY be loved...in the deep dark places, the secret and shameful places...when you allow yourself to be loved in your shortcomings and faults....in the ugly messes of your heart, you begin to change, and you begin to truly love.
in the bible it says to 'love your neighbor as yourself.' well, most Christians do a great job of that. they DO love their neighbor like they love themselves, because a lot of them have no idea how to love themselves, resulting in a lot of mean, strict, harsh, judgmental people. the revelation of God's love and grace....GRACE that forgets sin...GRACE that covers all our failings, screw-ups, disasters and mess-ups--that revelation CHANGES you. when you're loved despite the parts of you that you believe make you unlovable, you begin to love accidently. you can't help it. when you're loved beyond measure...beyond anything you can ever do....you can't help but give that love away.
that's why, it's so important....to be loved to the point of loving yourself. some would say that's selfish...that as Christians we don't need to look for love from friends, family, people, because we should only give love away. But John 1:9 says, 'we love Him because he FIRST loved us.' it's the revelation and experience of being loved FIRST that compels you to love God...to love YOURSELF..and THEN to love others. He created us for relationship...he created us to be loved by Him...but also to give and receive love from each other.
i'm afraid you'll never be able to love the people around you to the capacity you were created to love them....until you love yourself. it's what i've found and am still finding every single day.
i'm on this journey just like every one of you. i'm learning how to bypass what the mirror says, to dump my junk at the mercy of God's grace...and to walk in the revelation of a God who is ridiculously and desperately in love with me.
ok so now...had a tweet about that nature of God....a God that loves...asking why, if God was love, then why would he take people away from us that we love, making us suffer.
this is an AMAZING question....and my perspective might be a bit different than what you've been taught, but hear me out. (i tackle this in a BIG way in my book...which, by the way, i'm over halfway done!!! whoop whoop)
God is good. God is love. God is faithful.
think about those simple statements for a minute. think about how in the world someone can always be good, but be evil at the same time. think about how someone can be always love, but be hate at the same time. think about how someone can always be faithful, but be unfaithful at the same time. they CAN'T, can they? either they're good or they're not. either they're love or their not. either they're faithful or they're not. there's no grey area for a God who says he's ALWAYS love, good, and faithful--never changing--the same yesterday, today, and forever.
there is a light and a dark in this universe...a yin and a yang...a good and an evil. if God is good, and if being always good means He can't have any evil in Him...then who causes evil? guys...you can't believe in a good God and not believe in an adversary of that good God. Evil sells children into the sex slave industry. Evil brutally murders. Evil causes cancer. Evil kills life in every sense of the word.
I believe, with every ounce of my being, that the more I get to know this God who loves and thinks about me more times than every grain of the sand on this planet...that my good God gets blamed for a lot of things that he had nothing to do with.
When God created us, he could have created robots. He could have created a race of people that were forced to choose him and obey him. but what kind of relationship would that be? if i had a magic potion that FORCED my husband to fall in love with me, love would cease to be love. Love is a choice...and requires two people to CHOOSE it. you can't make someone love you. you can't force them to love you...it's impossible. love is always, and forevermore will be...a choice.
God gave you, and God gave me a free will and a choice. He gave us the ability to choose. we can choose to love Him, we can choose to believe in Him, we can choose to reject Him, & we can choose to hate Him. it's ALWAYS a choice. think about how many times you've chosen to do something that you know was wrong. i have a book i can recount. think of how many times you've CHOSEN to walk away from God...or CHOSEN to do something on your own. man has always had a choice, and unfortunately, man has chosen a lot of bad things.
Bad things DO happen....but it doesn't mean it was God. the most important thing that i've ever done is reshape and constantly update my image of God...because it shapes my perspective on EVERYTHING. if i believe he's not FOR me...then i'll blame him for everything. but if i take him at his word...that he loves me...he cries WITH me when bad things happen...he comforts me when i'm heartbroken...he walks me out of the junk that man did to me, but it didn't mean it was ever his WILL.
it wasn't God's will for me to be sexually abused. it wasn't God's will for me to ever deal with a daily eating disorder that robbed years from my life. it wasn't ever His will...but it was always his pleasure to get me out...dust me off, heal me, and love me into wholeness....
alright. dropped a few bombs on you. would love to see what you guys think.
love you ALL...think of you ALWAYS....am WITH you, ladies. i stand with you as a sister, as a cheerleader, as a friend....
xoxooxo, sista christa
Monday, January 18, 2010
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Overwhelmed....
by your response.
so excited that YOU'RE excited about the project. i was just listening to a song that someone sent me--they were just sitting with their guitar in front of garage band singing away, and i was all of a sudden overwhelmed at how amazing and powerful it is for us to turn around and write the TRUTH about our beauty...about our worth...about our value. so many of you have sent such powerful lyrics....such deep and sacred places in your heart that you put out on paper and are turning into music. so proud of you guys for challenging yourself to write--to dig deeper and push yourselves towards creativity. the world needs each and every one of your voice....no matter who ends up on the album. the world needs your song...your words...the power of your life living out what you believe.
the world needs you.
a few of you have written asking me when you will hear something, and the answer to the question is...i honestly don't know. i got so many emails yesterday and i'm sure they'll keep coming in, that there was no way for me to read and listen to all of them yesterday. but i promise you, each and every one of them will be delicately and respectfully cared for....
i'm so looking forward to reading and listening to your hearts.
there is no deadline at this point. keep sending and writing your songs. if you do have a song that you've written but you don't like to sing, find a friend who wants to be a singer and have them come in and sing it. you can either youtube it, or send an mp3 of the song. a great way to record songs on your computer if you don't have garage band is 'audio recorder.' it's free and if you just google it, the link will come up and you can download. this is my favorite recorder for writing sessions...i just press record and let it record everything.
the lyrics i received are AMAZING. i would love to hear the songs behind the lyrics, or if you haven't written a melody with them, i would challenge you to branch out...find someone who loves to write music, and begin co-writing. i don't know if many of you know about the music scene and publishing, but when i lived in nashville, i would co-write with people 2-5 times a week. we just get together in a room...sometimes with a guitar, sometimes with a piano...sometimes with a track...sometimes with nothing--and just create. it's fun to bounce ideas off of one another. at other times, i just want to write alone--in fact, most of my first album was written by myself. the EP i have on itunes was written by myself, so it can be done....but sometimes it's fun to collaborate with other writers to push yourself to the next level.
keep sending me your creative treasures, beautiful friends. i'm honored and excited to dig into each one of them and discover a little something about each and every one of you. if you can put it in song form, that helps the most, but lyrics are fine, too. i got a great response from my writer/friends and they're ready to help out with the project. when their songs start coming in, i'll post them online with the missing verses/bridges/chorus lines and give you little writers out there an opportunity to put your mark on a song or two...
praying for each and every one of you...that you would know the fullness of life...that you would break free from chains of the past that bind...that you would come to the revelation of the truth about who you are...your value...the gold that lies inside each one of you...and that you would learn to live life LOUD--as beautiful world changers. it's inside each one of you....it's inside of me.....
love you more than all the chocolate desserts in the next room. (:
xoxo, sista christa
so excited that YOU'RE excited about the project. i was just listening to a song that someone sent me--they were just sitting with their guitar in front of garage band singing away, and i was all of a sudden overwhelmed at how amazing and powerful it is for us to turn around and write the TRUTH about our beauty...about our worth...about our value. so many of you have sent such powerful lyrics....such deep and sacred places in your heart that you put out on paper and are turning into music. so proud of you guys for challenging yourself to write--to dig deeper and push yourselves towards creativity. the world needs each and every one of your voice....no matter who ends up on the album. the world needs your song...your words...the power of your life living out what you believe.
the world needs you.
a few of you have written asking me when you will hear something, and the answer to the question is...i honestly don't know. i got so many emails yesterday and i'm sure they'll keep coming in, that there was no way for me to read and listen to all of them yesterday. but i promise you, each and every one of them will be delicately and respectfully cared for....
i'm so looking forward to reading and listening to your hearts.
there is no deadline at this point. keep sending and writing your songs. if you do have a song that you've written but you don't like to sing, find a friend who wants to be a singer and have them come in and sing it. you can either youtube it, or send an mp3 of the song. a great way to record songs on your computer if you don't have garage band is 'audio recorder.' it's free and if you just google it, the link will come up and you can download. this is my favorite recorder for writing sessions...i just press record and let it record everything.
the lyrics i received are AMAZING. i would love to hear the songs behind the lyrics, or if you haven't written a melody with them, i would challenge you to branch out...find someone who loves to write music, and begin co-writing. i don't know if many of you know about the music scene and publishing, but when i lived in nashville, i would co-write with people 2-5 times a week. we just get together in a room...sometimes with a guitar, sometimes with a piano...sometimes with a track...sometimes with nothing--and just create. it's fun to bounce ideas off of one another. at other times, i just want to write alone--in fact, most of my first album was written by myself. the EP i have on itunes was written by myself, so it can be done....but sometimes it's fun to collaborate with other writers to push yourself to the next level.
keep sending me your creative treasures, beautiful friends. i'm honored and excited to dig into each one of them and discover a little something about each and every one of you. if you can put it in song form, that helps the most, but lyrics are fine, too. i got a great response from my writer/friends and they're ready to help out with the project. when their songs start coming in, i'll post them online with the missing verses/bridges/chorus lines and give you little writers out there an opportunity to put your mark on a song or two...
praying for each and every one of you...that you would know the fullness of life...that you would break free from chains of the past that bind...that you would come to the revelation of the truth about who you are...your value...the gold that lies inside each one of you...and that you would learn to live life LOUD--as beautiful world changers. it's inside each one of you....it's inside of me.....
love you more than all the chocolate desserts in the next room. (:
xoxo, sista christa
Monday, December 28, 2009
PROJECT BEAUTIFUL
hello my long, not lost, friends....
my absence from the blog has only been so that all my energy/prayers/dreams/and thoughts could be saved and preserved for this book i'm writing---the one you guys have inspired and nudged me to write. thank you all so much for that. i can't begin to thank you enough.
i've tapped into deep wells....caverns of memories long forgotten, where my revisitation has allowed me to see the past through the wisdom of a God who has brought me out and into freedom and wholeness. i can't begin to describe to you the burning that rages inside of me for each and every one of you to be free as well--to know the truth of your beauty...to know the truth of the one who loves you more desperately than you can imagine. the more i write and retell my story...the more concrete my belief in Him becomes. i can't help it....to see what i've come out of...to see what i've grown into. it's a powerful thing.
so in the process of dreaming--and the waves of things that i want to do that go along with this book....i started thinking about an album i want to produce and put out.
some of you may remember the song i wrote about a while back in my blog called 'mirror'....i wrote it with another writer in nashville for someone else (it was too pop for me...), and all of a sudden i had an idea.
i have so many of you writing me telling me you want to be singers or writers--you don't have a clue how to get into the music industry. it's such a tricky thing...especially for people who aren't good at promoting themselves, and so many times i just don't have the answers. i kind of 'fell' into the industry (someone heard a song i'd written and wanted to give me a deal)...but for so many others, they have no idea how to even start.
so here's my idea/proposal: PROJECT BEAUTIFUL.
i want to produce an album for you girls WITH you girls. i'm sending out an email to all my writer friends to ask if they'll begin writing for this project....songs like 'God Loves Ugly,' songs like 'Mirror.' i want girls to have a CD to go to when they're down...when the world and their reflection is screaming louder than the truth of who God says they are inside...and i want an escape route cd they can put in and be instantly reminded of how beautiful they are...no matter what's going on on the outside.
so i want to include you ladies.
i want to give you the chance to write...to submit your songs. i want to give you guys the chance to sing...to sing on the album...to write your stories to music and have the world hear.
i'm going to ask my songwriter friends to begin writing for the project....and leave out certain parts....maybe the second verse...the bridge...the tag...a few lines of the chorus. we'll post the uncompleted songs and give you guys the chance to write, to sing. at the end, we'll pick several girls to sing on the album....and we'll pick winners who have completed the songs, or maybe a few original songs can go on there, too.
i want you to be involved in this. i want you to be apart of something that moves you into what you TRULY are....a daily reminder of the beauty that you behold....that you possess...that you exude on a daily basis, and the beauty that has been stolen from you.
you ARE beautiful...every single one of you. you ARE beautiful because you were made in the image of the most beautiful being in the universe: God. you reflect his beauty...you look like you, you talk like him, you were created like him. i want something that will daily remind you of that.....
more details to come, my friends. let me know if you want to be involved, or if you want to write for the project. i'll set up an email and will post it very soon.
love you, my online friends. love you all so much. happy new year!!!
xoxo, sista christa
ps. had a few of you worried about copyright stuff....believe me, if i'm trying to do something like this, i'm not looking to steal songs from anyone. a poor man's copyright is when you mail the song to yourself and don't open the envelope...so if anything legal comes up later, you have a date on that envelope that the court can see that proves when you wrote the song. hope that helps a bit. oh, and also, these song submissions will NEVER be posted anywhere. this is just a submission to be considered for the project and that's it. this recording will never get out anywhere.
email your songs to projectbeautyonline@gmail.com.
for those who want to sing, i'll post the songs in a different form once they're chosen, and give you guys a chance to send in recordings or youtubes of you singing the songs. (:
my absence from the blog has only been so that all my energy/prayers/dreams/and thoughts could be saved and preserved for this book i'm writing---the one you guys have inspired and nudged me to write. thank you all so much for that. i can't begin to thank you enough.
i've tapped into deep wells....caverns of memories long forgotten, where my revisitation has allowed me to see the past through the wisdom of a God who has brought me out and into freedom and wholeness. i can't begin to describe to you the burning that rages inside of me for each and every one of you to be free as well--to know the truth of your beauty...to know the truth of the one who loves you more desperately than you can imagine. the more i write and retell my story...the more concrete my belief in Him becomes. i can't help it....to see what i've come out of...to see what i've grown into. it's a powerful thing.
so in the process of dreaming--and the waves of things that i want to do that go along with this book....i started thinking about an album i want to produce and put out.
some of you may remember the song i wrote about a while back in my blog called 'mirror'....i wrote it with another writer in nashville for someone else (it was too pop for me...), and all of a sudden i had an idea.
i have so many of you writing me telling me you want to be singers or writers--you don't have a clue how to get into the music industry. it's such a tricky thing...especially for people who aren't good at promoting themselves, and so many times i just don't have the answers. i kind of 'fell' into the industry (someone heard a song i'd written and wanted to give me a deal)...but for so many others, they have no idea how to even start.
so here's my idea/proposal: PROJECT BEAUTIFUL.
i want to produce an album for you girls WITH you girls. i'm sending out an email to all my writer friends to ask if they'll begin writing for this project....songs like 'God Loves Ugly,' songs like 'Mirror.' i want girls to have a CD to go to when they're down...when the world and their reflection is screaming louder than the truth of who God says they are inside...and i want an escape route cd they can put in and be instantly reminded of how beautiful they are...no matter what's going on on the outside.
so i want to include you ladies.
i want to give you the chance to write...to submit your songs. i want to give you guys the chance to sing...to sing on the album...to write your stories to music and have the world hear.
i'm going to ask my songwriter friends to begin writing for the project....and leave out certain parts....maybe the second verse...the bridge...the tag...a few lines of the chorus. we'll post the uncompleted songs and give you guys the chance to write, to sing. at the end, we'll pick several girls to sing on the album....and we'll pick winners who have completed the songs, or maybe a few original songs can go on there, too.
i want you to be involved in this. i want you to be apart of something that moves you into what you TRULY are....a daily reminder of the beauty that you behold....that you possess...that you exude on a daily basis, and the beauty that has been stolen from you.
you ARE beautiful...every single one of you. you ARE beautiful because you were made in the image of the most beautiful being in the universe: God. you reflect his beauty...you look like you, you talk like him, you were created like him. i want something that will daily remind you of that.....
more details to come, my friends. let me know if you want to be involved, or if you want to write for the project. i'll set up an email and will post it very soon.
love you, my online friends. love you all so much. happy new year!!!
xoxo, sista christa
ps. had a few of you worried about copyright stuff....believe me, if i'm trying to do something like this, i'm not looking to steal songs from anyone. a poor man's copyright is when you mail the song to yourself and don't open the envelope...so if anything legal comes up later, you have a date on that envelope that the court can see that proves when you wrote the song. hope that helps a bit. oh, and also, these song submissions will NEVER be posted anywhere. this is just a submission to be considered for the project and that's it. this recording will never get out anywhere.
email your songs to projectbeautyonline@gmail.com.
for those who want to sing, i'll post the songs in a different form once they're chosen, and give you guys a chance to send in recordings or youtubes of you singing the songs. (:
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
BLACK MONDAY
because i'm writing my book....the blogs, as you've noticed, aren't coming as frequently. however....i've found a new love for video blogging/singing/sharing....and will definitely be doing that more often.
i wrote 'Black Monday' after realizing...that me getting mad at certain circumstances did absolutely nothing but ruin my day, my moment, my life. so i basically wrote this song as a reminder to me....that when things get crazy and i fly off the handle...the anger zone usually does nothing to change the circumstance, and if i actively DECIDE (i have a will, and i can always use it) to turn the corners of my mouth up and just SMILE....the heaviness lifts, my perspective changes, and life once again is lived with my head above the clouds i can do nothing about.
life isn't about avoiding trials....it's about lifting your head above them. you can't help it that your car won't start. you can't help it that you've got too much schoolwork. you can't help it that you spilled coffee all over the crotch of your white pants (haha). however, you can choose whether or not you're going to let it ruin your day.
so this song, is for all those 'Black Mondays' :
BLACK MONDAY
christa black
well, it looks like rain, so they say
but i don't care if blue turns grey
cause i decided it's gonna be a beautiful day
my umbrella broke, i'm getting soaked
so i might as well lay back and float
cause i decided it's gonna be a beautiful day
and though i can't change the weather, i can change whether or not
i'm gonna smile
CHORUS:
black monday you can't get me down
no no no
black monday turn yourself around
whoa, whoa, whoa
stop, cause i won't let you win
you won't defeat my week again
cause i'm convinced
that black monday
you won't get me down this time
looks like my car won't start
i'm late for work
oops, i just spilled coffee on my shirt
but i decided it's gonna be a beautiful day
and when the traffic is stuck i'll turn the radio up
and just enjoy the ride
and though i can't change the forecast i predict
today's my day to shine
xoxo, sista christa
i wrote 'Black Monday' after realizing...that me getting mad at certain circumstances did absolutely nothing but ruin my day, my moment, my life. so i basically wrote this song as a reminder to me....that when things get crazy and i fly off the handle...the anger zone usually does nothing to change the circumstance, and if i actively DECIDE (i have a will, and i can always use it) to turn the corners of my mouth up and just SMILE....the heaviness lifts, my perspective changes, and life once again is lived with my head above the clouds i can do nothing about.
life isn't about avoiding trials....it's about lifting your head above them. you can't help it that your car won't start. you can't help it that you've got too much schoolwork. you can't help it that you spilled coffee all over the crotch of your white pants (haha). however, you can choose whether or not you're going to let it ruin your day.
so this song, is for all those 'Black Mondays' :
BLACK MONDAY
christa black
well, it looks like rain, so they say
but i don't care if blue turns grey
cause i decided it's gonna be a beautiful day
my umbrella broke, i'm getting soaked
so i might as well lay back and float
cause i decided it's gonna be a beautiful day
and though i can't change the weather, i can change whether or not
i'm gonna smile
CHORUS:
black monday you can't get me down
no no no
black monday turn yourself around
whoa, whoa, whoa
stop, cause i won't let you win
you won't defeat my week again
cause i'm convinced
that black monday
you won't get me down this time
looks like my car won't start
i'm late for work
oops, i just spilled coffee on my shirt
but i decided it's gonna be a beautiful day
and when the traffic is stuck i'll turn the radio up
and just enjoy the ride
and though i can't change the forecast i predict
today's my day to shine
xoxo, sista christa
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Treading Water....
wrote this song earlier this year with a couple of friends in the Nash (the always BFF Shane Stevens and miss Shari Reich). Shari came up with the title, and we popped this out like a teensy cake in an easy-bake oven. i love it when songs just pop out fast....sometimes they're work...they're crafted...but this one needed to come to the surface quickly.
the intro to the video says much of this...but just to elaborate.
do you have areas in your life...that you WANT to be moving forward in...you could be...you should be...but you just can't seem to go anywhere. it's it's a struggle to stay where you are....treading water...moving your hands and feet back and forth to keep your head above the surface of the water...just to keep air in your lungs?
i felt that way for years. i felt that if i couldn't get to shore...but if i quit struggling and fighting...i'd sink. sometimes i wanted to sink...i wanted to sink more than anything from exhaustion. sometime i just wanted to die, if i'm being honest...but deep down i never had the guts to just completely give up. the second i'd slip below the surface and start to suffocate...i'd start struggling again to get my head back up to the surface. we were created to fight...we were made to want life, even when life is hard...there's something deep down that knows there's hope, that knows there peace.
your situation might not be that extreme. it might be a job that you hate....a dead end workplace where you can't fulfill your dreams. it might be a guy....a friend...a family member....and you fight and fight to get somewhere and find yourself right back in the same place again. it might be a dream you've given up on....it seems too hard or too far off.
for YEARS i wanted things to change....but i didn't have a clue how to change them. i'd make plans...to lose weight...to get out and socialize more...to change this, to change that...to play my songs out to get 'discovered'....to get a better job....to use my college degree...to be a better friend, a better person....whatever. i'd want to change...but when it came down to it, the black hole destruction was bigger and stronger than anything, it seemed.
some of you need to get HELP. some of you need to finally crack, tell your parents you're struggling, tell your best friend, your pastor, your sister or brother. some of you need to actually set goals to change...because guess what....you CAN. you're the only one controlling your destiny...because you have the CHOICE whether or not today is going to be the day you choose to change. change is a choice, friends...it doesn't happen by wanting it to happen. it's a fight....a pro-active movement....a conscious decision. we all have things we want to change...some of them are unrealistic and skewed....but some of them NEED to change. sit down...get really REAL with yourself about the area of your life you're treading water in....and make a PLAN to change. do you need a counselor? do you need accountability? do you need an escape route when things get bad? do you need to buck down and go to college....pack up and chase your dreams?
sometimes...the only one who can push you forward...is you. take the first step...and i promise...there will be someone there to pull you foward.
love you, friends.....take a listen and let me know what you think.
xoxoxoxo, sista christa
the intro to the video says much of this...but just to elaborate.
do you have areas in your life...that you WANT to be moving forward in...you could be...you should be...but you just can't seem to go anywhere. it's it's a struggle to stay where you are....treading water...moving your hands and feet back and forth to keep your head above the surface of the water...just to keep air in your lungs?
i felt that way for years. i felt that if i couldn't get to shore...but if i quit struggling and fighting...i'd sink. sometimes i wanted to sink...i wanted to sink more than anything from exhaustion. sometime i just wanted to die, if i'm being honest...but deep down i never had the guts to just completely give up. the second i'd slip below the surface and start to suffocate...i'd start struggling again to get my head back up to the surface. we were created to fight...we were made to want life, even when life is hard...there's something deep down that knows there's hope, that knows there peace.
your situation might not be that extreme. it might be a job that you hate....a dead end workplace where you can't fulfill your dreams. it might be a guy....a friend...a family member....and you fight and fight to get somewhere and find yourself right back in the same place again. it might be a dream you've given up on....it seems too hard or too far off.
for YEARS i wanted things to change....but i didn't have a clue how to change them. i'd make plans...to lose weight...to get out and socialize more...to change this, to change that...to play my songs out to get 'discovered'....to get a better job....to use my college degree...to be a better friend, a better person....whatever. i'd want to change...but when it came down to it, the black hole destruction was bigger and stronger than anything, it seemed.
some of you need to get HELP. some of you need to finally crack, tell your parents you're struggling, tell your best friend, your pastor, your sister or brother. some of you need to actually set goals to change...because guess what....you CAN. you're the only one controlling your destiny...because you have the CHOICE whether or not today is going to be the day you choose to change. change is a choice, friends...it doesn't happen by wanting it to happen. it's a fight....a pro-active movement....a conscious decision. we all have things we want to change...some of them are unrealistic and skewed....but some of them NEED to change. sit down...get really REAL with yourself about the area of your life you're treading water in....and make a PLAN to change. do you need a counselor? do you need accountability? do you need an escape route when things get bad? do you need to buck down and go to college....pack up and chase your dreams?
sometimes...the only one who can push you forward...is you. take the first step...and i promise...there will be someone there to pull you foward.
love you, friends.....take a listen and let me know what you think.
xoxoxoxo, sista christa
Thursday, September 10, 2009
me part 36...& the attack of the television zombies.
S.H. is asleep next to me. i went to sleep around 1.30 am west coast time...and talked to him as he was getting up at 4.30 am east coast time to get on a plane and come back home. so i went to sleep...slept until 11 am...just as his flight got in. so needless to say....he's passed out asleep on the couch next to me from exhaustion.
the funny thing is...i'd rather be sitting at home with him asleep on the couch...than out doing anything else in the entire world.
so i'm going to talk about one of my 'danger zones.' we all have them...things that trigger us into cycles of destructive behavior. God has healed me of SO much....my heart is a completely different heart beating inside of my chest....but there's one thing that, almost every single time, gets me.
in the last several years...especially when i was dealing with my eating disorder and living out from under my parents roof where i wasn't really accountable to anyone....i would go into crazy states of hibernation. now, there's good hibernation...when you need to just REST...but there's recluse-ville when you're avoiding everyone because you're in a bad head-space.
so luke left monday....and tuesday, i made the mistake of renting prison break. sometimes...not all the time...but sometimes, when i park myself in front of the tv with no one else around....i get...well, sad. that's the best way to describe it. it's like this big fat cloud comes and camps out over me and just rains and rains and rains...fogging my thinking, my emotions...everything.
and it's funny, because inside of me....i KNOW that i know that i know...that if just get myself up out of bed and get dressed, and go outside and just go to STARBUCKS...the fog lifts, and i get back into my right mind....but there's this seductive pull towards the 'giving up' that's stronger than iron chains. there's something in me that LONGS to just lay there, watch movies all day, and come out on top at the end of the day...but i can say from experience....
this NEVER happens. ever. the second i let myself go into that headspace of 'giving up'....i'm a goner. always.
my favorite definition of insanity is this: doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.
i KNOW this about myself. i know...that if i'm completely alone, if i don't get myself up and out of the house, i'm going to get down and sad and sink into my ugly pit. it's a pit that's been there for a long, long time....and it's hard to describe, but it's there. i know a lot of creative people who are like this. we need people around us...not all the time, of course, but the only time it ever happens...is if i'm completely alone.
tv. it's always been my escape. i wasn't allowed to watch much growing up...so my perception of it was...if i was watching a lot of it...i was being 'bad.' (mom & dad have changed a lot since we were little..but back then...it wasn't seen as a good thing). so that 'bad' feeling, if i just let myself go in front of the tv, is coupled with the feeling of 'shame'...then the shame leads to me feeling awful, and just wanting to throw in the towel and not see anyone or do anything but be 'bad.' i know, i know...it sounds crazy....but it's very real to me. we all have our means of escape...the internet, tv, movies, alcohol, eating, cutting, chat rooms, whatever. they're things we run to when we want to escape reality. ALL of these things are ok in moderation (well, not cutting)....but when they're used as a means of escape, they can become dangerous.
if i didn't want to face something...or if i was depressed that things weren't going the way i wanted to, or i had no idea how to get them going at all, i would throw in the towel and just zone out in front of the tv. numbing myself by keeping my brain entertained kept me from facing the world i was meant to live in victory in....the world i was destined to overcome....to change...to bring life to.
anything thoughts that don't bring life....are lies. end of story. if your head and your thoughts are a cycle of destruction...fear...shame....hatred...negative....they're lies. you were created for one thing....not just to live, but to be ALIVE. WE WERE CREATED FOR GREATNESS....to be overcomers...world-changers....destiny shapers....life-givers. i realize, there's a very real enemy who wants to keep me from knowing the life i was born to live...and works overtime to keep me in the deception that keeps me away from who i was created to be.
so i've looked at this pattern in my life...and now, i have to actively make preparations to change it. as much as i've always hated admitting i'm weak, i emailed one of my best friends here in town last night exposing everything. i want to let her know, that if i'm alone...i need accountability to not continue this cycle when lucas is out of town. that's step ONE. step two is getting myself ready BEFORE it happens next time, to have an escape plan. when lucas leaves for business again next week, i'm going to not only have a plan for my days, but tell my friend who is here, to hold myself to what i've planned.
what are you struggling with in your life that is leading you down the same road to destruction over and over? what cycles bring anything but life into your world? identify them...and then come up with a PLAN to fight them. this thing isn't going to change in me, as much as i want it to. i would love to be a normal veg...just vegging out from time to time while i'm alone. but history has shown me....i don't work that way, for whatever reason, right now. so until i'm free in this area, i have to find ways to fight it.
what area do you need a plan to fight? what are practical ways, you can start fighting BACK instead of just letting destruction happen in your life over and over again. remember...insanity is doing the same thing over and over...expecting different results. let's stop the insanity, shall we? let's stop doing the same patterns...expecting things to change.
let's formulate escape plans for where the darkness tries to trap us.
love running this race with you, dear friends. love it so much....
xoxoxoxo, sista christa
the funny thing is...i'd rather be sitting at home with him asleep on the couch...than out doing anything else in the entire world.
so i'm going to talk about one of my 'danger zones.' we all have them...things that trigger us into cycles of destructive behavior. God has healed me of SO much....my heart is a completely different heart beating inside of my chest....but there's one thing that, almost every single time, gets me.
in the last several years...especially when i was dealing with my eating disorder and living out from under my parents roof where i wasn't really accountable to anyone....i would go into crazy states of hibernation. now, there's good hibernation...when you need to just REST...but there's recluse-ville when you're avoiding everyone because you're in a bad head-space.
so luke left monday....and tuesday, i made the mistake of renting prison break. sometimes...not all the time...but sometimes, when i park myself in front of the tv with no one else around....i get...well, sad. that's the best way to describe it. it's like this big fat cloud comes and camps out over me and just rains and rains and rains...fogging my thinking, my emotions...everything.
and it's funny, because inside of me....i KNOW that i know that i know...that if just get myself up out of bed and get dressed, and go outside and just go to STARBUCKS...the fog lifts, and i get back into my right mind....but there's this seductive pull towards the 'giving up' that's stronger than iron chains. there's something in me that LONGS to just lay there, watch movies all day, and come out on top at the end of the day...but i can say from experience....
this NEVER happens. ever. the second i let myself go into that headspace of 'giving up'....i'm a goner. always.
my favorite definition of insanity is this: doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results.
i KNOW this about myself. i know...that if i'm completely alone, if i don't get myself up and out of the house, i'm going to get down and sad and sink into my ugly pit. it's a pit that's been there for a long, long time....and it's hard to describe, but it's there. i know a lot of creative people who are like this. we need people around us...not all the time, of course, but the only time it ever happens...is if i'm completely alone.
tv. it's always been my escape. i wasn't allowed to watch much growing up...so my perception of it was...if i was watching a lot of it...i was being 'bad.' (mom & dad have changed a lot since we were little..but back then...it wasn't seen as a good thing). so that 'bad' feeling, if i just let myself go in front of the tv, is coupled with the feeling of 'shame'...then the shame leads to me feeling awful, and just wanting to throw in the towel and not see anyone or do anything but be 'bad.' i know, i know...it sounds crazy....but it's very real to me. we all have our means of escape...the internet, tv, movies, alcohol, eating, cutting, chat rooms, whatever. they're things we run to when we want to escape reality. ALL of these things are ok in moderation (well, not cutting)....but when they're used as a means of escape, they can become dangerous.
if i didn't want to face something...or if i was depressed that things weren't going the way i wanted to, or i had no idea how to get them going at all, i would throw in the towel and just zone out in front of the tv. numbing myself by keeping my brain entertained kept me from facing the world i was meant to live in victory in....the world i was destined to overcome....to change...to bring life to.
anything thoughts that don't bring life....are lies. end of story. if your head and your thoughts are a cycle of destruction...fear...shame....hatred...negative....they're lies. you were created for one thing....not just to live, but to be ALIVE. WE WERE CREATED FOR GREATNESS....to be overcomers...world-changers....destiny shapers....life-givers. i realize, there's a very real enemy who wants to keep me from knowing the life i was born to live...and works overtime to keep me in the deception that keeps me away from who i was created to be.
so i've looked at this pattern in my life...and now, i have to actively make preparations to change it. as much as i've always hated admitting i'm weak, i emailed one of my best friends here in town last night exposing everything. i want to let her know, that if i'm alone...i need accountability to not continue this cycle when lucas is out of town. that's step ONE. step two is getting myself ready BEFORE it happens next time, to have an escape plan. when lucas leaves for business again next week, i'm going to not only have a plan for my days, but tell my friend who is here, to hold myself to what i've planned.
what are you struggling with in your life that is leading you down the same road to destruction over and over? what cycles bring anything but life into your world? identify them...and then come up with a PLAN to fight them. this thing isn't going to change in me, as much as i want it to. i would love to be a normal veg...just vegging out from time to time while i'm alone. but history has shown me....i don't work that way, for whatever reason, right now. so until i'm free in this area, i have to find ways to fight it.
what area do you need a plan to fight? what are practical ways, you can start fighting BACK instead of just letting destruction happen in your life over and over again. remember...insanity is doing the same thing over and over...expecting different results. let's stop the insanity, shall we? let's stop doing the same patterns...expecting things to change.
let's formulate escape plans for where the darkness tries to trap us.
love running this race with you, dear friends. love it so much....
xoxoxoxo, sista christa
Monday, September 7, 2009
labor day fiesta.....
so.....
hubs left today...and i was going to start my book, but it just didn't seem right to start writing it on labor day. so instead, i cleaned my whole house...finished unpacking (i still hadn't unpacked my suitcase from tour...haha.), did laundry, and had a labor day hot dog cookout with friends.
sounds like a successful day to me.
just wanted to write a few encouraging words before starting up 'prison break season one' for the first time. (i hear it's amazing...so we'll see.....)
you.....yes, you. the one reading this......the one whose eyes are moving across the page.....
you....are.....unbelievable. fashioned and created after the most beautiful being in the universe...the God who emanates beauty. if his nature is beauty....and you were created in his likeness, then you...are...beautiful. there's no way you can't be. your smile is just as it's supposed to be. your eyes. the way you talk...the way you move...the way you laugh. you are perfectly created to be just as you are.
how narrow-minded are we to believe that only a certain 'look' equals beauty. and who taught us to believe that way in the first place? did you know....that in the 60's, designers decided that since their models were so beautiful and voluptuous that no one was looking at their clothes, they would go to tuberculosis clinics and get walking skin and bone hangers for their clothes to walk down the runway? what was meant to be a ploy to get more people looking at the actual clothes, society twisted into believing that was the new norm as beautiful.
who defines your beauty? who decides whether or not you feel beautiful or not? magazines are air brushed perfect. BELIEVE ME...no one looks that good in person...and yet, we strive to achieve an impossible that doesn't even exist.
until you love yourself...until you look in the mirror and actively choose to CHANGE your mindset about what you see.....others will agree with you. they agreed with me for years until i started to agree with what God said about me.....and dear friends...it changed EVERYTHING.
you are loved. eternally. you are cherished...always. you're looked at and longed for by your Father who created you...in fact, he's always reaching for you...always running towards you....always hoping you'll take one little moment, and look his way. his heart isn't for you to act a certain way....his deepest desire is for relationship with him....for you to know him...what he likes...what he sounds like...what his laugh is like....what his smile is like.....
no matter what anyone else on this earth has told you or is telling you....
you are special...to the point of violent love dying for you....waring for you....praying for you....fighting for you.
if no one in your world is fighting for you....there is always one who is. always one who cares. always one who loves...
forever.
run into his arms.....they're always open, sweet friends.
love you so much. always praying for each and every one of you...
xoxoxoxoox, sista christa
hubs left today...and i was going to start my book, but it just didn't seem right to start writing it on labor day. so instead, i cleaned my whole house...finished unpacking (i still hadn't unpacked my suitcase from tour...haha.), did laundry, and had a labor day hot dog cookout with friends.
sounds like a successful day to me.
just wanted to write a few encouraging words before starting up 'prison break season one' for the first time. (i hear it's amazing...so we'll see.....)
you.....yes, you. the one reading this......the one whose eyes are moving across the page.....
you....are.....unbelievable. fashioned and created after the most beautiful being in the universe...the God who emanates beauty. if his nature is beauty....and you were created in his likeness, then you...are...beautiful. there's no way you can't be. your smile is just as it's supposed to be. your eyes. the way you talk...the way you move...the way you laugh. you are perfectly created to be just as you are.
how narrow-minded are we to believe that only a certain 'look' equals beauty. and who taught us to believe that way in the first place? did you know....that in the 60's, designers decided that since their models were so beautiful and voluptuous that no one was looking at their clothes, they would go to tuberculosis clinics and get walking skin and bone hangers for their clothes to walk down the runway? what was meant to be a ploy to get more people looking at the actual clothes, society twisted into believing that was the new norm as beautiful.
who defines your beauty? who decides whether or not you feel beautiful or not? magazines are air brushed perfect. BELIEVE ME...no one looks that good in person...and yet, we strive to achieve an impossible that doesn't even exist.
until you love yourself...until you look in the mirror and actively choose to CHANGE your mindset about what you see.....others will agree with you. they agreed with me for years until i started to agree with what God said about me.....and dear friends...it changed EVERYTHING.
you are loved. eternally. you are cherished...always. you're looked at and longed for by your Father who created you...in fact, he's always reaching for you...always running towards you....always hoping you'll take one little moment, and look his way. his heart isn't for you to act a certain way....his deepest desire is for relationship with him....for you to know him...what he likes...what he sounds like...what his laugh is like....what his smile is like.....
no matter what anyone else on this earth has told you or is telling you....
you are special...to the point of violent love dying for you....waring for you....praying for you....fighting for you.
if no one in your world is fighting for you....there is always one who is. always one who cares. always one who loves...
forever.
run into his arms.....they're always open, sweet friends.
love you so much. always praying for each and every one of you...
xoxoxoxoox, sista christa
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